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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27288451">Watching You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/BetweenTheClouds/pseuds/BetweenTheClouds'>BetweenTheClouds</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Given (Anime), Given (Manga)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, M/M, Pining</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 17:41:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,959</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27288451</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/BetweenTheClouds/pseuds/BetweenTheClouds</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“You too, were in love with Yuuki, weren’t you?” As the question lingers between Shizusumi and Hiiragi, the lead-up to that question is explored from their childhoods to the present. Shizu's POV. Based on the latest manga chapter.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kashima Hiiragi/Yagi Shizusumi, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Satou Mafuyu/Yoshida Yuuki</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>60</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Watching You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> “Really, the one who is left out is me, right?” </em>
</p><p>Shizu knew it, and he accepted it. After all, it was his role from the beginning. Hiiragi, Yuuki, and Mafuyu were a trio before he came along. They existed as a complete unit; he was just the add-on. </p><p>He stood in the front of that classroom as the teacher introduced him. Keeping his face as disinterested as possible, he gave his new classmates a quick glance. Only a second per glance. He couldn’t afford any more than that. Who knew if he was even going to stay at this school. His parents might come back. </p><p>Two months earlier, his parents drove him two hours in the middle of the night. His mom told him they were going on a special trip. Shizu’s ears perked up, and he wondered if they were taking him to the amusement park he had been bothering them about for months on end. But he tried not to show his excitement or ask too many questions. His parents didn’t have much money. It would be a waste to get so excited about something that probably wasn’t going to happen. </p><p>When he was dropped off at his aunt and uncle’s house, with promises that they would get him soon, he was glad he managed to mask his emotions. That night, he learned what an important skill it was to have. Something painful pricked the back of his eyes, but he bit them back. His mom would only start to cry if she saw, so he stood tall and gave them a nod as they piled back into the car without him.</p><p>But Shizu refused to think about that on his first day of his new school. His impassive eyes scanned the room until they landed on a pair of amber eyes, curiously blinking at him. Shizu stared back, feeling a spark of curiosity bloom in his chest. Then the boy with the amber eyes turned to whisper to the kid next to him. The other boy met his eyes, immediately flashing him a welcoming grin. </p><p>Without even realizing it, his one second rule was broken. </p><p>Throughout the day, the boy with amber eyes kept glancing in his direction. Every time, he would whisper to the same boy. Then a smaller boy would pop in and ask what they were whispering about. If Shizu gave them a second thought, he might have snickered at their repetitive dynamics. But he didn’t think about them, especially not the boy with the amber eyes. If his eyes wandered over to that boy during math, it was only because math was boring. </p><p>At recess, the teacher found him playing by himself and introduced him to the trio. The boy who smiled at him earlier put his hand out. “I’m Yoshida Yuuki,” he announced, grinning again. “If you don’t have anybody to play with, you can play with us!” </p><p>As Shizu sized him up, he quickly surmised that Yuuki was the leader of the small group. They all seemed so happy already. He didn’t know if he belonged there.</p><p>He looked at the boy with amber eyes again. The boy smiled at him and held out his hand just like Yuuki had done. Just like that, his fate was sealed. He knew he had no choice but to follow that boy as long as he could.</p><p>Even if he was only the add-on.</p><hr/><p>
  <em> “I am not like you, or Yuuki.”  </em>
</p><p>Mafuyu was Yuuki’s and Yuuki was Mafuyu’s. It was just a simple fact. Shizu came to learn it soon after he started hanging out with them. </p><p>And (he tried to fight it, he really did) Shizu was Hiiragi’s. </p><p>But Hiiragi wasn’t Shizu’s. </p><p>Hiiragi didn’t know it, but Shizu always watched him. He watched as Hiiragi’s eyes followed Yuuki and Mafuyu, how they lingered ever so slightly on Yuuki. He watched Hiiragi wander over to see what Yuuki was playing with, his face shining brightly as Yuuki showed him his new toy. </p><p>To protect himself, Shizu perfected his lack of interest and looks of annoyance around Hiiragi. Sometimes he even convinced himself. </p><p>Unfortunately for him, Hiiragi was skilled at poking holes through his mask. Every time Yuuki and Mafuyu would go off by themselves, Hiiragi came to complain to Shizu. No matter how annoyed Shizu looked, Hiiragi wouldn’t give in until Shizu agreed to play with him. </p><p>Of course Shizu would say yes, after an appropriate amount of resistance. And Hiiragi would grin and say, <em> “I knew you would say yes!” </em> The look on Hiiragi’s face stopped Shizu in his tracks. He would forget how to breathe for a second. Because Hiiragi wasn’t saying <em> “I knew you would give in eventually,” </em> he was saying <em> “I knew you wanted to play with me all along.” </em> </p><p>He didn’t know how Hiiragi could see through him like that. Nobody else could. Well, it didn’t matter. He would just need to get better at brushing Hiiragi off. It was always better not to show interest. Shizu never had anything in his life he could call his, and it was better to accept he never would.</p><p>In the summer between grade three and four, he was moved to an orphanage. His aunt and uncle told him the news at the dinner table. Shizu looked down at the table, pushing his curry around and nodding when appropriate. </p><p>There were simply too many expenses, they explained. His cousin was starting middle school at a very prestigious (and therefore expensive) school. They couldn’t afford to take care of Shizu anymore. And they had no reason to, since he was just an add-on. </p><p>He overheard them in the kitchen after dinner. <em> “Do you think we did the right thing?” </em> his aunt asked her husband, her voice full of exhaustion. <em> “He’s still just a child.”  </em></p><p>His uncle didn’t seem as bothered. <em> “I’m sure he’ll be fine. Really, that child doesn’t look like he cares about anything.” </em></p><p>Shizu held the railing to steady himself, feeling the prickling at the back of his eyes again. What use was caring if it all turned out the same? Just as he trained himself to do, he bit his cheek and counted until the prickling went away. Then he went up the stairs to start packing. </p><p>As long as Hiiragi was smiling happily, Shizu could afford to be indifferent towards him. But when Hiiragi was upset, his resolve broke. All he wanted was to make him feel better. One day they were walking home from school. It was raining, and Hiiragi forgot his umbrella. Hiiragi lagged behind the group, looking absolutely miserable. So Shizu had no choice but to take his hand and let him walk beside him under his umbrella. </p><p>Even when they were both safely under the umbrella, Hiiragi didn’t let go of his hand. Shizu stared straight ahead, acting like it was no big deal. But he could feel his face getting hot. </p><p>And he couldn’t be sure, but he didn’t see Hiiragi glance Yuuki’s way once during the whole walk home.</p><hr/><p>
  <em> “I’ve been cherishing him like tucking away a glittering pebble I found in a sandbox.” </em>
</p><p>Overnight, four became two.</p><p>Yuuki died and Mafuyu wouldn’t talk to them. It was a dark period where Hiiragi rarely smiled, and Shizu didn’t know what to do to make it better. </p><p>All he could offer was his back to cry on, so that’s what he did. As Hiiragi sobbed into his back, soaking his shirt, Shizu fought the urge to turn around and hold him. But Hiiragi wasn’t his, he had to remind himself. </p><p>A dark, warped thought bubbled up inside him. <em> Nobody else has seen him like this. Only me. </em> The thought twisted inside him and caused him physical pain. His body jerked, and he hoped Hiiragi didn’t notice. </p><p>It came to him like a punch in the gut sometimes, out of nowhere. His desire to monopolize Hiiragi. To have that dazzling light directed only at him. To defile him.</p><p>It’s not possible. He knows that; he knew it from the start. But when Hiiragi snuggled into his back and mumbled <em> “Shizu,” </em> in a way that nobody else has ever said it, Shizu couldn’t help but hope he was wrong. </p><p>They never talked about how they felt about Yuuki’s death, not really. Instead, they shared memories. Admiration still shone on Hiiragi’s face when he talked about Yuuki. Most of the time, Shizu understood. Once in a while, though, jealousy took hold of him and made him hurt. He knew it was ridiculous, being jealous of a dead person. But he never saw Hiiragi’s face light up like that when talking about him. </p><p>Without Yuuki and Mafuyu, they learned to exist as a pair. In many ways, nothing changed. They were already used to hanging out together once Yuuki and Mafuyu paired off and went away to do whatever it was they did. But without Yuuki around, Hiiragi lost his inspiration. His music stagnated without Yuuki’s talent pushing him to become better. And he missed Mafuyu’s comforting presence. </p><p>Shizu missed them too, but Hiiragi was the type of person who needed people around him. Just one wasn't enough. He couldn’t fill all the gaps in Hiiragi’s life. All he could do was stay beside him as long as he was needed.</p><p>He could finally relax a little when Mafuyu started hanging around them again. Because even though his desire to monopolize was lurking under the surface, Hiiragi’s happiness was the most important thing to Shizu. </p><p>When it was just the two of them, though, Shizu noticed small changes. After Shizu let him into his bed to cry, Hiiragi would find ways to touch him more. Whether it was complaining about homework or walking to practice, Hiiragi would lean on Shizu’s shoulder. Sometimes he would fall asleep on his chest in the middle of studying. </p><p>During these times, when it was no longer possible to see Hiiragi watching Yuuki, Shizu could almost believe Hiiragi loved him back. </p><hr/><p>
  <em> “You too, were in love with Yuuki, weren’t you?” </em>
</p><p>The words come out before he can stop to think if it’s a good idea. Because if he had a second to think about it, he would have kept that question buried forever. </p><p>Really, it shouldn’t matter. Yuuki is <em> dead </em>. It’s probably insensitive to even ask. But the need to know burns through Shizu’s chest. If there was even the smallest chance he could be together with Hiiragi in all the ways he dreamed of, he needs to know. </p><p>The thought of being with Hiiragi doesn’t seem as crazy as it was before. Recently, he’s noticed the flush on Hiiragi’s cheeks when he ruffles his hair or leans in too close. And he feels closer than ever to his best friend. At practice lately, the drums and bass are effortlessly in sync. </p><p>Still, he can't call Hiiragi <em>his</em>.</p><p>Yuuki’s presence still stands between them. He noticed the slight change in Hiiragi’s expression when he told Uenoyama, <em> “Yuuki was a fascinating person.” </em> He heard the casual tone in Hiiragi’s voice when he put himself down in favor of Yuuki, as if it was a fact.</p><p>And he saw the look on Hiiragi’s face when he listened to the love song Yuuki wrote for somebody else. It morphed into the same look he used to have when he watched over Yuuki and Mafuyu, always following behind them. </p><p>It scares him to face Hiiragi with that question lingering between them. Out in the open. It scares him to see Hiiragi’s shocked face. It scares him that he might have hurt Hiiragi. It scares him that the question sounds like a confession. </p><p>Most of all, it scares him that he has to listen to Hiiragi’s response. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The ending to the latest chapter left me shook. How is Hiiragi going to respond???? I’m scared to find out. My Shizuragi heart is in peril. I wrote this to let out some of the nerves. I’m more comfortable writing from Hiiragi’s POV, but I can’t possibly do that for this story because I have no idea how he’s going to respond. </p><p>I was looking at old chapters to make sure I was writing events accurately, and there was a scene in chapter 9 where Hiiragi is watching over Mafuyu and Yuuki. In the latest chapter, the same scene is shown, only now with Shizu watching them. The attention to detail is crazy! </p><p>I hope you enjoy this story!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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